My husband is South-African, and culturally where he comes from bed sharingis a popular habit in families. But we did not let my 6-and-a-half-year-old daughter sleep in our bed. Why? Because we have seen relatives and friends go down that slippery slope and once you go there, there is no coming back.
I’ll admit when she was a babyshe co-slept with us — which is different than bed sharing. We had her sleep next to our bed in her pack and play. Studies show a baby’s physiology is more stable when she is close to her mother. When my daughter was justunder a year old,she returned to her crib in her own room for sleeping. She had been taking naps there since she was a newborn, soshe was in familiar territory.
But bed sharing as a regular practice was never on the agenda for us as a family. Here are my reasons why I don’t think it’s a good idea (and one time when I did allow it):
Studies Show Sleep Problems: The research shows that kids who sleep with their parents have bad sleep habits. They sleep for shorter amounts of time and wake up more during the time they should be sleeping. Thosebadhabits can last a lifetime. Disturbed sleep in children is also a predictor of behavior issues. No thank you for my daughter.
Say Bye to Sexy Time: I believe allowing children to sleep in your bed hurts a couple’s relationship. If my hubby and I want to make love after my daughter goes to sleep at night, we can. Couples who allow their kids to sleep with them have a harder time carving out intimate time.
Building BetterBoundaries: When she was smaller, my daughter used to try to expand before-bedtime-cuddle time into stay-the-night time. I even felt my husband was going to give in to her a few times, until I put my foot down. Over her protests, I told her, “you don’t sleep in mommy and daddy’s bed, you sleep in your own bed, like a big girl.” Over time, she stopped asking. Now she knows that the bed is our personal space. She knows when I say something, I stick to it.
Stop the Insecurity:I think sharing a bed with parents teaches kids they need constant contact to feel secure, which isn’t realistic.While my daughter knows we are a safe place for her emotionally, she is still very independent and thankfully doesn’t need us to metaphorically and physically always hold her hand. I think that’s partly because she has never shared our bed.
Making Her An Early Bird: I am a late owl and when I finally do fall asleep, I really need my sleep. I do most of my writing and consulting work in the evening and do not need to be bothered by my child’s request for water, conversation or telling me to turn off the light.
The Vacation Expectation:We did relax the no-bed-sharing rule when we traveled. It worked when my daughter was little because she didn’t take up too much space, and she knew that the only time she got to sleep in the bed with us was when we traveled. Letting her sleep with us on vacation — and the tossing and turning, and sleep interruption — simply confirmed that we were helpingeveryone’s sanity by having her sleep in her own bed at home. Now that she’s 6 and a half years old, 50 inches tall and 54 pounds, she gets her own bed when wego away.
Today it’s easy to put my daughter to bed. Her routine is short and simple. She reads with us for fifteen minutes, we sing Soft Kitty to her (yes, the song Sheldon loves from The Big Bang Theory TV show) that goes like this: “Soft kitty, warm kitty little ball of fur. Sleepy kitty, pretty kitty purr, purr, purr.” Then we kiss and hug her goodnight, pull the covers over herand turn out the lights.
She sleeps through the night tucked in her own bed, and has nothing but sweet dreams.
And just as happily, so do we.
Estelle Erasmus is a journalist and writing coach. You can find her on her blog,Twitter and Facebook.
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FAQs
Studies Show Sleep Problems: The research shows that kids who sleep with their parents have bad sleep habits. They sleep for shorter amounts of time and wake up more during the time they should be sleeping. Those bad habits can last a lifetime. Disturbed sleep in children is also a predictor of behavior issues.
Can my daughter sleep in my bed? ›
Never leave your baby alone in an adult bed.
It's important to consider any risks that an adult bed may post to your baby, especially while you are asleep. As your baby develops, becomes more mobile and can move around, the risks can change, so we recommend checking your bed regularly to prevent possible accidents.
At what age should a father stop sleeping with his daughter? ›
She'll never be independent. Brandon says. “McKenzi is extremely independent.” According to Liz Nissim-Matheis, a clinical psychologist in New Jersey, it's best to end co-sleeping when a person reaches puberty, or at around 11.
Should you sleep with your daughter? ›
While we need to be mindful of safety and SIDS when co-sleeping with infants, there is no problem with co-sleeping with older children in and of itself.
At what age should you stop letting your child sleep in your bed? ›
Parents should introduce sleeping in their own spaces as early as five years old. This is when they are fully grown, and still young enough to get used to the norm of having their bed and space.
Is it normal for a 7 year old to sleep with parents? ›
Co-sleeping is not recommended, but a 7-year-old child sleeping with parents is considered normal in many families and cultures. The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) warns against co-sleeping at any age, especially if the infant is younger than four months.
Is it normal for a 10 year old to sleep with her parents? ›
When a child reaches adolescence, they'll probably seek their own space anyway, naturally transitioning away from sharing a bed with a parent. But if your child is highly anxious and finds comfort in being near you, it's OK to set up a mattress in the same room, Matheis said.
Is it normal for a 14 year old to sleep with their parents? ›
Co-sleeping with older children can be especially detrimental as it can create stress for the entire family, lead to poor sleep patterns for both parents and children, and inhibit the ability of children to develop independence.
At what age is it inappropriate to shower with your child? ›
– That being said, the American Academy of Pediatrics states that five years is the youngest age for unsupervised bathing, although ages 6 and 7 are usually when children are able to properly clean their bodies and wash their hair themselves in the shower.
Is it normal for a 13 year old to sleep with his mom? ›
But I can tell you that, “momma's boy” or not, 13 is way too old! Forget about whether or not she has a boyfriend, this habit's going to be way easier for her to break than for her teenager. Not to mention the potential he'll develop security and separation issues. He may never feel safe without mom right beside him.
The Electra complex is a term used to describe the female version of the Oedipus complex. It involves a girl, aged between 3 and 6, becoming subconsciously sexually attached to her father and increasingly hostile toward her mother. Carl Jung developed the theory in 1913.
Is it OK for a 12 year old to sleep with mom? ›
As long as you're both comfortable with it, go for it. Typically, 12yr olds want to sleep in their own bed, or their parents want them to sleep in their own bed. However, not every parent and child are the same. What matters is how you and your mom feel about it, don't let others dictate what you do.
What is it called when you sleep with your daughter? ›
Co-sleeping: This is the practice of sleeping in the same bed with your child or in close proximity. Bed-sharing: A sub-type of co-sleeping, this is when the child shares the bed with one or both parents. Solitary sleeping: This is the child sleeping in his or her own room, on his or her own sleep surface.
At what age should a child sleep alone? ›
Children can sleep on their own when they are 4-6 years old. The earliest time for children to sleep separately is possible from the time the child is 4-6 weeks old, at this time parents can let the child sleep separately in the crib, but must ensure monitoring and control to let the child sleep.
Is it bad for a child to sleep in parents bed? ›
Beginning at the age of 1, co-sleeping is generally considered safe. In fact, the older a child gets, the less risky it becomes, as they are more readily able to move, roll over, and free themselves from restraint. Co-sleeping with an infant under 12 months of age, on the other hand, is potentially dangerous.
What are the dangers of having the baby sleep in the parents bed? ›
Bed-sharing increases the chance of suffocation, strangulation, and SIDS. An adult bed has many safety risks for a baby, including: suffocation from a soft mattress, memory foam, waterbed, or loose or soft bedding such as pillows, blankets, or quilts.
Is it bad to let your toddler sleep in your bed? ›
While the American Academy of Pediatrics advises that parents avoid bed-sharing for a baby's first year of life to reduce risk of sudden infant death syndrome (Ben-Joseph, 2022), they offer no official sleep guidelines for children of toddler and preschool age (e.g., 1 to 6 years old).
Does co-sleeping cause sleep problems? ›
Other concerns with co-sleeping involve the delayed development of infant independence and sleep issues. For example, an infant who falls asleep with its parents in the same bed has been observed to have more sleep problems associated with shorter and more fragmented sleep.
