Is It Normal for a Baby to Prefer One Parent Over the Other? (2024)

Here's the scenario: You spend all your time lovingly tending to your baby and seemingly out of nowhere, your sweet little bundle of joy begins to play favorites and wants their other parent instead. We know it's hard if your baby suddenly starts treating you like a total stranger, but try not to take it personally.

In fact, it's actually quite common for babies and toddlers to show extreme favoritism toward one parent or caregiver—and for that preference to switch back and forth over time. Read on to learn more about why babies sometimes show a preference for one parent and what to do if it happens to you.

Why Babies Sometimes Show Favoritism for One Parent

There are many reasons why babies may show a strong preference for one caregiver over another. Sometimes it's about proximity, routine, or familiarity. Sometimes it's linked to life events and developmental milestones. Some research even suggests that it's linked to genetics.

But many times, these preferences just come and go for no particular reason. But be assured they have no bearing on your future relationship with your child—and your baby may switch back to being all about you soon.

Here are a few common reasons babies express favoritism for one parent over another.

Babies sometimes prefer their primary caregiver.

Most babies naturally prefer the parent who's their primary caregiver, the person they count on to meet their most basic and essential needs. This is especially true after 6 months when separation anxiety starts to set in. If one parent starts to assume more of the everyday caregiving, they may become the new "favorite."

One of the major downsides of this primary caregiver favoritism is the potential for parental burnout. If parenting duties continue to fall only on the primary caregiver, even when another caregiver is available to help, the result can be added exhaustion, stress, and resentment—and those feelings can impact a parent's well-being and the quality of the time they spend with their child.

If one parent is doing most of the day-to-day baby chores and it is impacting your child's parental preferences, try some of these ideas:

• Create a schedule to decide who will wake up at night to tend to the baby.
• If you are not exclusively breastfeeding, try ensuring that both parents get at least one turn feeding your baby each day.
• Take turns putting your baby down to sleep, so your child gets used to both of you.
• If your baby is naturally spending most of their time with you, encourage quality time between your baby and your partner to help build their bonds too.
• Keep communication open about what is working and what isn't.
  

Babies might favor one parent if the other is pregnant.

Some children develop a penchant for one parent when the other parent is pregnant. Although your child still knows you love them, they may sense that you're temporarily less available and naturally attach themselves to the parent who seems less preoccupied.

Once the new baby is born, the older child often bonds strongly with the non-gestational parent, who is likely more available. These issues can sometimes resurface during the toddler years when children of heterosexual couples may naturally gravitate toward the parent of the same sex, particularly during potty training when anatomy differences become more apparent to them.

If your baby is seeking out your partner while you are pregnant, try turning your growing belly into a fun game and encourage your baby to engage with your belly. Maybe your bump is the perfect ramp for their favorite toy car. Or maybe they'll enjoy feeling their future sibling's kicks and squirms. Alternatively, ignore the bump for a bit and set aside some special time to focus just on your baby. Even if it's just 10 minutes of your undivided attention, focusing all of your attention on them can help foster meaningful connection.

Babies sometimes want the parent they see the least.

Sometimes babies show a preference for the parent they see less often. While there is not a lot of research on why kids will play favorites with their parents, some research does suggest that even when a young child is showing a preference for the other parent, they are still keeping a close eye on their primary caregiver and will seek that person out if they are hurt, hungry, or scared.

That is to say that as your baby's primary caregiver, your love and presence are sure things to your baby. So, don't worry if your baby reaches for your partner; it is a sign of a healthy relationship forming.

Ultimately, there are also lots of future benefits to this playing favorites thing. For example, research has shown that babies who form strong attachments with their parents in the first two years of life go on to have better mental health as they grow up. This can mean having kids that grow into adults who are mentally and emotionally resilient, more independent, and happier than those who did not have strong parental bonds.

While it may not feel so pleasant to see your child yearning for your co-parent, it could be a sign that they are forming those healthy, strong bonds that can help your child grow up feeling nurtured and supported.

Tips for the Unfavored Parent

Regardless of the reason why your little one suddenly wants their other parent more, you can still enjoy bonding time together. And sure, it may sting a little bit to know that your baby is playing favorites, but that doesn't mean they don't think the world of you and want to be with you too. With a little creative thinking and an open heart, this phase will likely fizzle out quickly.

Here are some suggestions:

• When your baby pushes you away in favor of the other parent, avoid acting hurt or rejected, which can confuse your baby. Just let them know you're ready to play when they are.
• Have the other parent invite you to join in their activities.
• Share baby-related chores with your partner so you can enjoy playtime as well. Sometimes, one parent becomes associated with fun while the other becomes associated with mundane tasks like diapering and feeding.
• Make sure you and your partner both have alone time with your baby when the other parent isn't around.
• When you have one-on-one time with your baby, don't hesitate to deviate from the usual routine. For example, instead of always driving straight home directly from daycare, try taking a pit stop to play at the park for a few minutes instead.
• Don't eyeball the clock. If you and your baby are having fun, don't cut it short just to keep everyone on schedule. It's OK if dinner is 15 minutes late one night or the laundry gets put off until tomorrow if it means spending quality time together.

Tips for the Preferred Parent

While it is hard to be pushed away by your child, it can be just as draining to be the preferred parent. After all, being the preferred parent means that you are preferred forplaytimetobath timeand everything in between.

When this happens, you may be left feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. What's more, you may feel torn between two people and may even feel guilty because your child prefers you.

Strike a Balance in Parenting Duties

In some families, it is not uncommon for one parent to take on all the work-related parts of parenting like helping with baths, brushing teeth, andbedtime routineswhile the other parent has all the fun and plays non-stop. Ideally, both parents will share in both the work and the fun aspects of the parenting.

You alsowant to avoid the good cop/bad cop scenario in your parenting duties. Likewise, you should present a united front when it comes to discipline, bedtimes, curfews, and otherhousehold rules.

Support the Unfavored Parent

Rather than jumping in as soon as your child insists that you tuck them in, allow your spouse to handle the situation. While it is important to respond with empathy and understanding for your child's preference, you want to avoid rescuing them too soon.

Speak Highly of the Other Parent

When you and your child are alone, take that time to emphasize all that is good about the other parent. Remind your child of everything the other parent does well and how they are different from you. Then, talk about the things that are the same. Finally, have your child list two things they like most about each parent.

This exercise will help them see that being different is not a bad thing and that they can love different things about both parents.

Do Not Ignore Hurt Feelings

Being shunned by your child is hurtful. Even though you may be enjoying your close relationship with your child, your partner may feel frustrated, hurt, or even jealous. As a result, it is important that you make time to listen to how they feel.

Allow them the time and the space to talk openly about their feelings without criticism or judgment. This is not the time to offer suggestions on how they canchange or what they need to do differently. Instead, just listen and be empathetic. Remember that ultimately, this is likely a phase your child is going through, and like everything else—this too shall pass.

Additional reporting by Sherri Gordon, CLC