Maternity Leave: the good, the bad and the downright lonely.
The initial rush of visitors is over, your partner may have returned to work and now comes the business of finding your own feet as a parent of one, two, three or more ...
As you tend to the endless stream of nappies, the feeds, the evening cries; you may often exist in a blur on just a few hours of sleep. It can be all-consuming looking after an infant and you might begin to feel that you need more than just their constant demands. Keeping a routine is great for them, but it might start to get soul-numbing for you.
The truth is: maternity leave can be hard. And for some new mums, it can feel incredibly lonely.
Why do I feel like this?
Feelings of isolation and loneliness are not uncommon for mothers on maternity leave, but they’re not always identified as such until looking back much later. You may question just how you can feel lonely when you have your new baby by your side 24/7? And what’s more, if you admit to feeling lonely, or bored or that you miss your old life; what does that say? What will people think? What kind of a mother would that make you?
A study by the British Red Cross found that more than 8 in 10 mums (83%) under the age of 30 have feelings of loneliness some of the time, while 43% said they feel lonely all of the time. Another survey found that 90% of new mums felt lonely since giving birthwith over half (54%) feeling they had no friends.
Just a quick Google of ‘loneliness on maternity leave’ brings up endless posts and threads from new mothers questioning if how they’re feeling is okay; confessing that while they love their new baby they can’t shake feelings of loneliness and are often overwhelmed by motherhood - feelings that cause them much guilt.
The unspoken side of motherhood
The thing is, while you can love your child with all your heart - you can still feel a terrible sense of isolation. You can still love spending time with your baby but be overwhelmed by the daily monotony of caregiving; the endless feeds and nappy changes and the crippling sleep deprivation. You can still feel like motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to you while at the same time long for meaningful adult conversation. You can feel blessed that you have a child, yet miss the life you had before; miss work colleagues and feel sadness over friends who don’t call you anymore. And at times you might feel resentment as your partner ‘escapes’ off to work each morning, while you feel trapped inside your own version of newborn Groundhog Day with your own career left in limbo.
Yet talking about any of this can still feel a little taboo.
An identity lost
Another thing that new mothers may struggle with is feelings of lost identity. Since having a baby you may feel you don’t quite know who you are anymore, that you’re lost in a swirling abyss of baby wipes, nappies and sleepless nights. And you might believe that this is your lot, that this must be what happens when you become a mum, that you somehow can’t be both a mother to your child and the person you were before.
When broadcaster Emma Barnett returned to her job on BBC Radio 5 Live following maternity leave, she started a conversation about the unspoken difficulties experienced by new mums.
“I have had some of the loveliest and more memorable times of my life during my maternity leave. But it’s still been bloody hard, and, at times, lonely,” she said..
“As the one at home, you struggle to have a sense of self; to remember who you were, and what you thought about before your child came along.”
Her comments perfectly illustrate the experience of many new mothers - highlighted further in a survey commissioned for the showrevealing that almost half (47%) the mums polled felt lonely on maternity leave - a figure that was even higher (59%) among younger women (18 - 24 year olds). It also found half (49%) felt they had to express positive feelings about the time spent with their baby and four in ten (41%) missed being at work.
“There should be no guilt in saying you find maternity leave hard; that you don’t enjoy every single second with your child; that it's knackering in the truest sense, that you miss alone time with your partner and with yourself, and at times, you find the experience, *whisper it*, boring, “ she continued. “ It’s OK to say you love your new baby, but that you don’t love your new existence yet.”
Indeed for many women, the transition to motherhood can take time. And the feelings they experience, both positive and negative - they’re just part of their journey.
As reproductive psychiatrist, Dr. Alexandra Sacks explained in her 2017 New York Times article, ‘The birth of a Mother’:
“When women find themselves feeling lost somewhere between who they were before motherhood and who they think they should be now, many worry that something is terribly wrong, when in fact this discomfort is absolutely common.”
Things you can do during maternity leave to ease feelings of loneliness:
If you’re on maternity leave, are feeling lonely and are trying to make sense of your new role as ‘mum’ - here are a few things you can do that might help:
- By identifying what you’re feeling as loneliness you can start to address it and work through it. Remember you’re not alone - many new mums who feel this way - and it’s perfectly okay.
- Post-natal groups can be a life saver. You can check on your local council’s website opens in a new window to see if there are children’s centers or Sure Starts centers in your area offering them. They may also be able to link to baby groups in your local area.
- If you don’t feel you fit in at the first group you attend, don’t panic. For every group you feel like a fish out of water, you will find one that is perfect for you. You WILL find your tribe.
- Be shameless – chances are other mums will thank you for being the one to approach them.
- If you can’t get out, seek online friendship and support. There are plenty of resources online as well as local Facebook groups where you can connect with other mums.
- Get outside: Fresh air and sunshine can work wonders for how we feel - so try to grab it while you can - even if it’s just half an hour pottering around the garden.
- Time to be yourself –It may feel impossible when you're in the midst of newborn chaos but it’s important to make time for yourself as well as time to BE yourself. Maintaining a hobby throughout mat leave or regularly meeting up with old friends can help keep you in touch with your old self - as well as helping you embrace your new role as mama.
- Video chats-. Scheduling video chats can be a really useful way to keep in touch when the miles keep you apart. It’s also a great way for baby to become more familiar with Grandma or your best buddy - even if they only live down the road!
- Accept help - If you’re offered help to look after baby from someone you trust - say yes! You will get some much-needed time to yourself and they will get to coo over your little pudding. Everybody happy.
- Schedule couple time - and talk! Be honest with your partner about how you are feeling so they can support you where needed as well as preventing the build-up of resentment. Even if all you can manage is a movie and a takeaway - get it booked in!
- Seek help if you need it- while many women will experience feelings of loneliness and isolation following the birth of a baby,for some women it may be more than that. If you’re feeling alone and overwhelmed andare not bonding with your baby as you feel you should be, have a chat with your GP or health visitor. They will be able to identify signs of postnatal depression. PND affects one in ten women in the UK and is very treatable.
Support organisations that may help
- NCT opens in a new window The UK’s leading charity for parents for the first 1000 days, their website lists “bumps and babies” groups and local meet ups opens in a new window .
- Association of Post Natal Illness opens in a new window If you feel like you need some extra support or if you're feeling distressed, APNI is here to remind parents that they are not alone through their helpline and live web chat sessions
- Family Lives opens in a new window - Formally known as Parentline, this serviceoffers emotional support, information, advice and guidance on any aspect of parenting and family life.
- Home-start opens in a new window Home-start is a leading family support charity who can support you in your own home if you are isolated or have other issues such as illness, bereavement or disability.
