When planning to have kids, it’s natural to have concerns. We may wonder if we will make a good parent, whether we will be able to financially support a family, and how we will balance work and parenting. We may also be asking ourselves the question: “What if I regret having kids?”
This is a common concern, but one that is rarely talked about. Here we take a look at why people may ask this question and what typically causes these concerns. We also discuss how to decide whether having kids is right for us and what to do if we end up feeling regret after becoming a parent.
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How Common Is It to Regret Having Kids?
The idea that a parent might regret having kids is a concept that, for many, is cloaked in shame. Parents aren’t supposed to feel that way, right? While a majority of parents don’t usually feel this way—or don’t feel this way for enduring periods of time—it’s not a totally uncommon phenomenon.
The data is limited on exactly how many parents feel regret about having kids, likely because it’s not a subject many feel comfortable talking about. According to a 2021 study published in PLOS ONE—which looked at data from the U.S. and Europe—between 8% and 17% of parents regret having children.
The study researchers further noted that parents in Poland reported higher levels of regret than parents in the U.S.
The data from this study regarding American parents came from a 2013 Gallup poll. In that poll, parents over the age of 45 were asked: If they could do it all over again, how many kids would they have? About 7% said that they would have had zero kids, indicating that they may have regrets about having children.
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Why Parents May Regret Having Kids
The reasons why parents regret having kids can vary widely from one parent to another and are complicated. As the PLOS ONE study points out, one major factor is wrapped up in the pressure that many parents—particularly women—feel to have children.
Women are expected to want to become mothers, and many simply don’t feel that they have a choice in the matter—even if they suspect that having kids isn’t right for them. Having kids when the person doesn’t really want to can lead to intense feelings of regret. It can also impact their identity.
Other factors that may be at play when it comes to a parent regretting having a child include:
- A personal history of adverse childhood experiences
- A history of mental health challenges
- A history of physical health issues
- Financial or marital problems
- Having a child with special needs
A study published in the Journal of Family Issues examined Reddit posts to try to understand why parents sometimes regret having children. The majority of parents didn’t regret having children exactly but regretted some of the circ*mstances surrounding starting their families. These included the timing of having kids, the number of kids they had, the sacrifices they had to make, their partners, and aspects of society that made having kids difficult.
Somewhat less common, parents on Reddit also expressed regret tied to having challenging children, self-identifying as a “bad” parent, having an aversion to being a parent, and wishing for a child-free life. These parents communicated that if they could go back and do it all over, they would not have had kids.
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How to Decide Whether to Have Kids
The decision to have kids can be fraught. There is often deep pressure from others—especially family—to have children. We may experience internal pressure as well. Sometimes we may have a different point-of-view from our partner, which can put extreme stress on a relationship. Another potential factor is the societal expectation that part of growing up and becoming an adult is starting a family.
But there is no one right answer to whether or not to have kids. It’s a myth that having kids is what makes us a “real” adult, or that having kids will complete our life and make us happy. Living a child-free life is the best choice for many people.
Some people don’t want to have children because of past traumas or psychological conditions. In cases such as this, seeing a therapist can help work out these issues while also considering whether having kids is the right decision.
When making the decision about whether or not to have kids, it's important to weigh factors like our life situation, age, and finances, as well as our marriage, partnership, or lack thereof. Again, there is no “correct” answer; it’s a complex and profoundly personal decision.
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What to Do If We Regret Having Kids
Some parents deal with strong feelings of regret when it comes to having kids—feelings that they can’t shake. Other parents experience more transient thoughts or feelings of regret. But is it true regret or could it be burnout or even postpartum depression?
Burnout vs. Regret
Parenting can be extremely challenging at times, and many parents are apt to experience parenting burnout. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), parenting burnout doesn’t just involve extreme exhaustion and depletion but can involve deliberate distancing from one's children, even feeling dislike toward them and not wanting to be near them.
As a result of these feelings, burned-out parents may feel like “bad” parents and experience guilt and shame over how they are feeling about their kids. These feelings can resemble some of the emotions that parents who regret having kids experience.
If a person is experiencing parental burnout rather than complete regret about having kids, there are some things they can do to feel better, including:
- Sharing their feelings with a trusted loved one or therapist
- Working on ways to manage stress
- Considering ways to delegate some responsibilities, such as getting a partner to pitch in more or hiring childcare or housekeeping help
- Take small breaks when possible—even a 10-minute walk around the block can help reduce stress and improve mood
- Reevaluate what it means to be a good parent; recognize that perfection in parenting is impossible and that “good enough” is where it’s at
Could It Be Postpartum Depression?
Regretting parenthood soon after becoming a parent can be a sign of a postpartum mood disorder such as postpartum depression. Postpartum depression (PPD) strikes about one in nine new parents. It is characterized by feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, irritability, racing thoughts, sleeplessness, and sadness.
Feeling detached or disconnected from one's baby, not feeling love for them, or feeling like a bad mom are also common symptoms of PPD, and may lead to regrets of having children. The good news is that PPD is treatable, usually through a combination of therapy and medication. With treatment, it is possible to feel like ourselves again, and to feel more bonded to our baby.
Tips for Managing Parental Regret
For parents who experience enduring feelings of regret, these feelings can be hard to cope with, especially because regretting having children is a taboo subject to begin with. Here are some tips for managing these feelings:
- It’s very important to not keep these feelings inside or try to hide them. This usually only intensifies the regret and makes it more difficult to cope.
- Sometimes our expectations of what parenting was supposed to be and what it actually is don’t line up—and that’s okay. Making peace with the reality of what parenting looks like for us can help reduce regret.
- Finding other parents to talk to who also feel regret can help us feel less alone.
- Talking with a therapist or counselor about our feelings can help us understand them better, make peace with them, and figure out how we can cope.
Experiencing regret about having kids can be a lonely, difficult experience. It’s important to realize that a person who feels this way isn't alone. Not every parent finds having children a fulfilling or rewarding experience.
Recap
A person who regrets having kids is not a bad person. While it can be helpful to talk about these feelings to a close friend or family member, if the feelings of regret are overwhelming or affecting one's mental health, making an appointment with a therapist or counselor is recommended.
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