Have you ever been dead wrong about someone?
Trusting people can be a blessing and a curse. Doing it over and over again with individuals who haven’t earned it could be a bigger problem with life choices,boundaries, and self-esteem.
If you’re dating and you have kids,you’re not just looking for a future partner for yourself. You also want to make sure you’re make the right choicefor your little ones as well.
Around 70% of my clients who are dating after divorce have children. A question I get almost as often as “how long should I wait to date after my divorce?” is “when do I introduce a new partner to my kids?”
Let’s say that you’ve done the self-work. You've dated around. You've started dating someone exclusively that you're head over heels for. They told you they can see a future with you.So, now what?
According toresearch, men on average take about three months to say “I love you”, while women take about five months. As embarrassing as it is to admit – I said it first while tipsy to my now husband after three months, but hey –memories! ;)
Love is a beautiful and confusing emotion. The challengeI’ve seen after working with divorcées is that after leaving aloveless marriage, it can feel intoxicating to be wanted or tojust feel seen again.After all, you’ve been through a lot of sh*t, why not have the happy ending you deserve? Who says you have to follow “society's idea” on what love in your 30s, 40s, and 50s should look like?
Unfortunately, we do not live in a rom-com, andmost relationships don’t work out, (especially if that person was apost-divorce rebound).
If you or someone you know is in this “HELL YEAH” time of bliss, all that I ask is that you wait a bit. Take this time to be selfish to evaluate how YOU like this person and if you see a future with them BEFORE adding kids to the equation. Down the road you cansee if this person would make a good step dad/mom.
Remember — this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Here's a quick example of what you SHOULDN’T do:
Scenario:You know the divorce was hard on the kids, but it’s been over 5 months. Plus, your ex has already introduced someone to your kids already, so does it matter if you do?
A previous client, let's call him “Adam”, used this as a justification for introducing his kids to a new love interest after two dates. They scheduled a playdate for their kids as their third date in 10 days. Afterwards, they decided not to see each other any more.
Children of divorce have been through a major disruption.
We know through extensive studies that children thrive inroutine and stability. It’s no surprise that a routing door of mommy or daddy’s “new friends” is the stark contrast of those.
But what if my new partner asks to meet my kids and I'm not ready to introduce them?
One thing I love about working with divorced men and women over 30 is that they are certain of who they are and what they want. This often comes from having strong boundaries and communicating them effectively.
If you’ve decided to see someone exclusively, don’t be afraid to relay the message that you’d like to take this time to get to know them and have time for just you two. Tell your new boyfriend orgirlfriend that when you and the kids are ready you’re really looking forward to introducing them.
Some people may take a waiting boundary as a sign that you’re not certain about them.
As I said in theDating After Divorce Reflection Journal, you have three choices once someone disrespects your defined boundaries:
You can try to change it/them,
You can accept it/them,
Or you can leave.
How early is too early to introduce someone?
This depends really on each child, parent and their co-parenting plan (if applicable).
Australian Child PsychologistMichael Carr-Greggand other professionals suggest the 6-12 month timeline because a number of children of divorced parents havereunification fantasies(the fantasy that their parents will get back together) that needs to settle BEFORE you add a variable to the new family dynamic.
Carr-Gregg states further that ideally the child would have gone through this reunification fantasy before adding a new partner of a parent to avoid being furtherunsettled. He suggests doing weekly or bi-weekly check-ins with your children to ensure they are able to have a routineemotional check-ins with their parents.
How long should I wait?
There's a general consensus that waiting6-12 monthsis a good allotted time to gauge if you see a future with a person. Usually after 6 months it’s hard to hide any underlying red flags and other compatibility issues.
Isn’t it okay if I schedule a playdate with my kids and my new potential boyfriend/girlfriend?
Depending on their ages, kids are more perceptive thanwe give them credit for. That being said, if you haven’t discussed in a parenting plan or otherwise with your ex what your shared expectations on introductions are – that could be an area of contention moving forward.
How do I introduce my kids when I’m ready?
Dr. Carr-Gregg expresses the importance of the environment when you introduce your kids to your new partner. He suggests making sure that when you introduce your kids that you are physically with the children and thatthe new partner comes over or meets you at a low pressure location like a park or cafe.
The structure of this meeting helps reinforce that you and your children are a “team” and not you and your new partner coming together, sothe children feel isolated.
I found this article inThe Washington Postinteresting - specifically where the father asked his pre-teen and teenage daughters where they’d like to meet his new girlfriend. They said at their home, but not over a meal because they want to be able to end the meeting when they want.
What should I tell the kids?
Here’s what licensed child psychology and author, Prang Snitbhan says about it “Throughout this process, children want to know that they have a special place in your heart and mind.”
Regarding how to share the news, Snitbhan suggests “Using simple and direct language with younger kids will eliminate confusion and leave less room for them to wonder or be scared.”
What if I wait 6-12 months and my kids and my new partner don’t get along?
Kids have amazing bullsh*t radars.
It’s quite possible they may see something that you couldn'tsee withyour rose colored glasses on.
The good news? You live and learn. If you spend 6-12 months with someone to only then discover your kids and your new partner don’t get along, count it as a blessing in the long run.
What are some red flags to look out for before introducing my kids to a new partner ?
If they push to meet your kids before you’re ready.
If they don’t understand that your kids come first.
If they don’t have the same concept of parenting as you do.
If they are barely in their kids' lives (although this needs further explanation).
I’m a realistic dating coach and matchmaker, so I'll be the first to admit that relationship advice is just that — advice. Your mileage may vary. At the end of the day you’re an adult who makes the calls that effectsYOUR loved ones.
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